Overcoming Sudden Unprovoked Depression

Depression as I’ve come to know it

It has been a year or two since I’ve been weighted down by the sand that fills up every limb of my body. Draining me of the ability to do the simplest tasks. I still remember the last time this debilitating depression lingered for an extended period of time clearly. Finding a home within me after months of built up anxiety, the only escape from this cloud was a complete remodel of my life. Even saying this now I feel like I’m not giving this life crippling darkness enough credit. Fore it has the ability to erase all meaning and joy you once held dear.

My Current Experience

However, that has not been my current experience with depression. It’s not the long stretches of being weighed down, the unproved crying, and the hopelessness that haunts me now. Rather it’s the sudden bursts of sadness at the most inconvenient of times. All I can figure is that my default reaction to stress and/or extreme emotion is sadness so intense that tears will well up if provoked.

Am I Happy?

What’s really upsetting about these random bursts of sadness is that it comes when I’m happy, when I’m on a date, when I’m about to be greeted by a love I haven’t seen in weeks, when I’m out shopping with a friend, when I’m traveling home, when I’m experiencing something beautiful and profound.

New Experiences Greeted by Unrelated Old Feelings…

Having spent the past 6 months traveling the world meeting new loves, reconnecting with old friends and experiencing new cultures, I feel like I have grown and changed in so many ways. Yet in the midst of all the joy and smiles I was fighting an inner battle. True it wasn’t weighing heavy over my days for long periods. But it’s upsetting all the same as it popped up in the most unexpected of times, inappropriate even.

Both after witnessing a tiger walk in front of our eight seater Gypsy Jeep and as I walked through the halls of Heathrow past duty free just before seeing the man I loved, my stomach sank. So happy the twenty hours that lead up to those exact moments. Why is it then that after all the anticipation and excitement I found myself on the verge of tears that were far from sweet and happy as magic ensued.

Putting on a Face to Cover Up the Meaningless Sadness…

Why is it all of a sudden the joy I have been anticipating for weeks was suddenly gone. What do you do when the people you love are looking at you heart broken by your reactions. When all you can do is stand there and reassure them that you are in fact happy, that “this” moment is in fact special, as your face and your mannerisms are yelling at them that you could care less or worse your uncomfortable. How tiring does it become to put on a face to cover up the meaningless sadness.

To Try and Try Again…

What’s worst, you try to get ahead of it, you start to see it coming. You try to tell someone, you try to explain how in the most beautiful moments of your life your heart just sinks. You tell someone and they don’t understand. What can you do but close up further. It makes it so you never want to try again. Yet here you are again.

When it Takes Ahold of Me…

Flying way outside of character I went to a couple sporting events with a friend. Neither of which were crazy but they were new to me as I’ve never golfed before and the last baseball jersey I wore probably involved pig tales and Winnie the Pooh. Having the best time as we had a long drive followed by a game; I was feeling happy and excited about our night. When all of a sudden my heart sank (again), once again in the car after a short pit-stop, mid conversation as the car is full of music and laughter the sadness took ahold of me.

Inside Myself…

All of a sudden I felt upset. I felt broken and vulnerable but there was no reason or explanation. At first glance I found myself upset by the presence of such emotions. I left the car and our conversation and was inside myself. I talked directly to the sadness telling it to go away saying it makes no sense. And then gathering myself; I choose a different path. I decided to take control of how my day panned out. Still in my head I started repeating to myself, “your happy, this is going to be a great night, your ok… your happy”, until I felt myself return to my friend and downtown Miami. It was probably only seconds and I have no idea if anyone but me noticed me leave but it was frustrating nonetheless, especially since this had been a recurring theme for the past few months.

Current State…

On a positive note this hasn’t happened in a while. As I center myself and prioritize my personal happiness I’ve put distance between myself and such feelings. On top of the distance is the fact that I feel like I now have some tools to fight back now and they may be working 🙂

Photography: Lisa Fahey. Styling: Lauren Boutros. Hair & Makeup: Stefanie Pratico. Model: Ruby Pedersen at IMG Models. Photos via fashioneditorials.com

#mentalillness #depression #movingforward #mentalhealth #lovelost #personalgrowth #artist #anxiety #love #movingon #fear #sadness


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