To begin

Beginnings can hold  both positive and negative connotations. As it can mean the start of something new, exciting and highly anticipated and yet at the very same moment it can and usually does mean that something current, familiar, established, maybe even loved is coming to an end.

A perfect example is when you come to the end of a really great book. When I rush through a novel, desperate for the ending. I find I am greeted with very mixed  emotions as I am happy to know but not ready for the story to end. Usually after a really great book I’m desperate to start another in hopes that it will fill the void, only to be disappointed as the new story has its own beginning, its own slow climb that will in no way provide me with instant gratification I am craving.

At it’s core  to begin is to change. And that is something I have become very much accustomed to. Over the years I have took on many opportunities in order to further my education and gain experience in my field. Over and over again as something became familiar I would find myself off in search of a new challenge. Yet recently I found myself a bit out of sorts as my search for my next challenge lead me to the job I have been working towards all these years.

Sitting here now I feel relaxed, and fore simplicities sake, happy. It’s been about three weeks since I started my new job and although it comes with a list of challenges it is more positive than I could of even imagined. A literal dream. And although I referred to the position as dream frequently prior to starting my body/mind’s response to the change was far form positive. I was a reck the for a couple weeks, as I left one position and started the new one. Not in an I can’t function sort of way but in an tears can happen at any moment sort of way, whether happy or sad. In order to combat the tears I avoided all topics involving the switch, but still the thoughts would cross my mind or someone would ask a question and there they were. The first day at the new job was great nothing went wrong yet when someone asked about it…and many did I would instantly break down. What was happening… as I stood their eyes swollen, face wet half laughing I tried to explain it was okay but clearly nothing seemed okay.

Not being a doctor but knowing that the tears have passed. I believe there was a lot of different emotions that made up those tears. As it was extremely exciting to get the opportunity to do what I have all ways wanted to do and yet also very scary as it was completely new. And I was leaving a role I was good at, a company I loved and colleagues I cared about. I was giving up comfort and familiarity for something completely foreign and that scary.



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