Laying on my bed. Computer perched on my chest, now closed. I feel sick. I haven’t left the house today. I couldn’t.
Waiting all week for this day, my day off. I lay here seeping in regret, for lost time. I had prepared for this. Creating endless lists, both mental and physical. So much to do, so much I didn’t do.
It all started last night. When I binge watched endless episodes of the Gilmore Girls after returning home from a dinner out. Falling asleep to the sound of Babette squealing I woke up at 7:00 am to the sound of my alarm and unable to process the idea of eyes opening. Turning said device off I slept in untill 9am at which point I wandered downstairs in hope that expresso would magically appear hot and fresh.
As I stood in the kitchen I took a good long moment contemplating wether or not I have enough energy to make a coffee. As I started to eat out of a bag of chips that was laying next to the machine I agreed it must happen and made my move.
Going back to my room with my expresso after eating half my wait in chips I knew it was time to get serious. I thought I should make a fresh list of the most important things to accomplish today, my day off.
But as I set my cup on my desk I seen my computer sitting there and thought of Rori and how she just left Yale and decided it would be okay to watch the rest of an episode while I finish my expresso. As I am sure you can foresee, one episode turned into three and the day started to slip away. As I do when I see myself falling into an endless pit of the internet I stopped for a little more caffeine. This time a cup of coffee accomplained by a few more chips. The Gilmore’s still playing as I made my way back into my room I knew I couldn’t sit down without a plan.
However, somewhere between thinking I need a plan and going to pick up a pen I decided to just jump into my first item to-do. Going through all the junk/boxes I have been hoarding after moving so many times in the past few years and getting rid of all the clothes I do not wear and all the papers I do not need. So I started emptying my closet moving half a dozen boxes into the hall…
Yet less than thirty minutes later I find myself cross-legged on my bed 3 tabs open, jumping between Gilmore Girls, Youtube and Vogue Runway. At one point I started writing a blog post but Gilmore Girls needed too much of my attention and I bailed. Every once in a while I glanced at my closet feeling satisfied that the ground inside it was empty, but than quickly remembering the hall, I felt sick.
All this while I kept my phone close to me as my mind was drifting between my present and my past. Something was weighing on me, someone really. This ‘something’ making it hard to focus on anything for more than two minutes.
After hours of starting and leaving an array of tasks and activities I no longer could take the drown of Lorelei vs. Emily and resolved to shut my eyes and soon after my mac. As I lay there in silence I felt ill for letting another day slip away.
It’s evening now and at last I’m writing. My closet still in the hall, not yet sorted. Videos not yet edited and nature yet to embrace me, but at least I no longer feel the urge to visit Stars Hallow.
Why is it that when given an empty day it is so hard to take advantage of it’s vastness? Why do I constantly reside in letting time slip away & why please tell me why is it so hard to do one thing at a time?
In this moment I am desperate for a productivity guru! If you actually read that long winded waste of a page I apologize. For it’s all I have today. AHHHH but there is one bit of joy and good in this day as this is my last post of the month and I managed to stick to my goal of posting everyday in July. 🙂